I'm A Lot Like Endless...

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M   y     B  l   o   g  .

"I'm a lot  like endless.."

This is not my first time having a blog, but this is the first time I actually want that factor known.

As candid as I may always be, I think this blog may be the most candid I ever will be.

In the past months, or even year or so, I’ve taken a lot of time to reflect a lot into myself. I’ve found about so much of myself I never knew was there, and you know what, I think I want to share it in pieces as much as I can for as long as I’m here.

There is so much in even that. I know I get tired and I don’t even want my existence known most times, but goodness wouldn’t I be giving the work of the universe a service of injustice if I didn’t let anyone know I exist. Geez, according to my research I am awesome. I’m a lot. I’m a ball that doesn’t drop. I’m air... Air that doesn’t...

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I’m a lot.

I’m a ball that doesn’t drop.

I’m air.

Air (that) doesn’t stop.

I’m a lot like,

endless.

You don’t know what is endless, and you don’t know what the essence of something endless is.

I’d like to think that I am endless, the spirit of endless never dies.

I’m okay with the end of my days, but I guess I might not be okay with the fact that my spirit might shiver and die too.

I’m scared that my spirit might be sanity.

And sanity, I’ve lost her many times along the way.

I thought she died a few times too.

Sanity, I thought I lost you.

I yearn for things that don’t leave me.

But I guess, your spirit might be endless.

I guess I might be endless.

She’s endless.

I’m endless.

//

Here’s me hoping.

Here’s me hoping for those better days I always used to tell you about.

I know that I may have failed you in those parts, and this is your first time knowing that most times I never believed that they’d reach me.

A wise manz once said, “I finally want to be alive today”. I feel that sometimes, and I guess it’s okay if I don’t some days, but I really want to feel that as long as I can. A lot. A lot of times. Endless times. I want to be a lot like endless.

Happiness... I wrote about her once,

“I found you in the depths of my black, I shuddered when you held me and began to cradle me. What is this feeling? It demands my attention. It begs for my presence. But sometimes I’m not here, so I don’t know how to give it all of me. I don’t know how to accept the feeling. But I hear of her amazing works, she has the ability to sew together will and strength, a rare combination those two – but mama said I’ll feel her one day, daddy promised me of her works..”

I’ll tell you more about her later.

But for now, welcome to my blog. I hope you always leave with what’s worthy for you to carry. And that you give it to the next, and the next, and the next, and the next... And to yourself.

I would love to experience so much that I won’t have to reiterate my validity one day. I want to do so much for you that you don’t perhaps have the energy to go about trying to do. I want to find out about so much you’re scared to ask about. I want to say a lot of things you’re scared to say. I want to explore a lot you want to explore but may not have the will to explore. I want to, I just want to.

And so when I have the will to all of those things, I hope that you know that it is with love. That’s all I have to give.

I hope all the time you get what I give. I hope you hold it, and I hope it holds me too and I hold you always, surely I will.

I hope by will’s side you stand, endlessly.

With Love, Ley. x